In “It’s Just a Matter of Balance” I described many life situations that developed after I became permanently disabled. I wrote some of these circumstances down in the greatest of detail, demonstrating my state of mind at that particular time in my life. Here are a couple of examples:
“After the first few weeks at home, I was getting stir crazy, running out of things to do with my time. I guess you could say I was in my own kind of Twilight Zone. The twilight was represented by my lack of direction toward a full mental recovery of all I had just been through, and the zone was my life as it was—purposely isolated and relatively empty of anything interesting or for that matter exciting.”
“Suddenly I felt very queasy about being with other people socially. Larry hadn’t said anything about these plans earlier. I had been looking forward to hanging out with Larry, but I wasn’t ready to be with other people. I didn’t even have an artificial leg yet.”
I definitely learned over time, many things about myself and also about basic human nature as well, as I entered into the process of healing. I was healing from a terrific mental condition caused by my loss, and an internal struggle to regain normalcy in my young life had begun, or was trying to begin. The healing process was delayed for me considerably because I plunged myself into a deep state of denial. I just could not accept my life as it was or had become.
What does denial mean in this situation? It means the following I think: A flat-out refusal to acknowledge the existence of something. The something is that I had lost my entire right foot forever and I would never get it back. I was really pissed off about it but I held this feeling of anger inside for years, not even knowing that outwardly everyone could see it!
I realized over time that I would become overwhelmingly agitated at different times and I didn’t even know why. The worst thing is that this behavior enabled me to cause sadness directly in the people closest to me. My poor wife for example, (who is an angel) took this abuse from me from time to time. My behavior was totally unacceptable! I would speak in a grouchy somewhat disrespectful way at times obviously just taking her for granted. I was unleashing my internal frustrations that were building up relating to my unresolved anger. She ultimately was able to help me to become conscious of this unhealthy behavior and stop it. I was very lucky, (blessed) that she was patient with me and loved me very much. What also helped was the fact that I love my wife very much and truly did not want to do anything to hurt her.
Because I wanted to be happy and live a happy life, I became self motivated to work very hard (moving in a positive direction of healing) and eventually bring out the best in myself, and let the anger go. That change in my general behavior that I was finally able to achieve was greatly appreciated by almost everyone who new me, and I liked the results of this change very much.
What does happiness mean to me? In this situation it means this: Thinking in a positive manor so as to not let negative thoughts dominate you. (This effort kicks off the rapidly developing feeling of happiness) Feeling satisfied. Enthusiastic about life and all it has to offer. Looking forward to each day and having a pure desire to fill each day with good choices. Finding contentment in oneself, because of all the good choices made, and then truly enjoying the consequences of those good choices. That’s what happiness means to me!
What does happiness mean to you? Is it worth striving for in your life?
Life is a constant struggle, there are easy days and most difficult days. I truly feel that: If you don’t want to bring out the worst in people (caused directly by you), then just bring out the best in yourself, it’s worth all of your efforts.
Happy is the one who is content with his lot in life!
